Some Advice to First Time Dads of Newborns
If I had 50 bucks for every time someone told me how drastically my life would change after the birth of my first child (before the birth of my child) neither of us (my child and I) would have to worry about saving for college.
Part of the reason that being a new dad seems so scary is because a lot of folks are all too eager to point out the loss of freedom and sleep, the expense and burden of children, or the negative impact parenting can have on sex in marriage.
But for most Dad's to be, the fear and equally common resentment or disappointment comes from something far more immutable. (Sorry moms, not all dads want kids when they're faced with the reality of having kids before they're ready).
The fear and resentment come because the man is happy. Typically the first time father is 2-3 years into his marriage, has settled into a routine often free from exterior demands and pressures other than his work, and he and his bride are enjoying their time as a double income no kid couple. There may be the occasional blowjob, international vacation, and if they're lucky some headway in their finances in terms of student loan pay-down and retirement savings. Who wouldn't feel at least a little slighted if they thought their situation were about to take a turn for the sexless, sleepless and spending worse?
Even though dads to be might not have a clue about just exactly how life post baby will permanently alter their universe, they usually sense things are about to change, and more often than not they don't like it.
Despite all the talk about how all the things around me will change I don't recall being briefed in near as much detail at just how much I would change. No one told me how much purpose I would suddenly have or how much respect, admiration and love for my wife I would gain.
They failed to mention that I would instantly gain an infinite source of motivation to eat well, exercise, learn, be kind, and realize my potential thanks to the sense of responsibility and urgency I felt to set an example for my daughter. That's not to say that I'm always 100% motivated to be the best me for her, but it means that whenever i have identified the hard things i must do, I at least understand why i am doing them and I'm (usually) able to morph my purpose for doing hard things into my motivation to do them well.
For many first time dad's the actions you should be taking will be intuitive or previously ingrained by observation and or inquiry. For those less fortunate or observant I humbly submit a brief list of advice that I have both received and twice heeded. If by some defiance of western medicine i should again find myself in the enviable position of being a new dad (or dad to a newborn) I will return to these tried and true (for me) tactics until by luck or study I uncover a better way.
1. Be present at the birth: (not physically present, that's a given). Be in the moment. Allow yourself to be nervous and excited. Hold mama's hand. Stay awake. Take pictures, take notes, try to study everything around you. In hindsight, this will be the best day of your life.
2. Take the baby: whenever possible take the baby, take the baby, take the baby. Demand that mother give you the baby and either do something for herself or do nothing. It doesn't matter unless the baby is crying.
3. Take the baby far away: Since you can't always control when the baby cries but you can control how far the crying baby is away from the weary mother, do mom and baby a favor and take a fussy baby away. If baby is fed and dry and slept but still fussy, it's probably just because he can see mom but not have her, and dads are highly deficient consolation prizes. That is until you start finding ways to bond with baby.
4. Bond with baby. Even if you're not quite feeling it emotionally, bond physically with your baby. Hold him. Carry her. Buy a Moby Wrap and wear your child. Anything that creates physical closeness with your child will ultimately contribute and accelerate the discovery of the love and obsession new dad's inherently have for their babies.
5. But don't leave mom alone too much. It's likely (especially if she's staying at home for any period of time after the birth) she's lonely when it’s just her and baby. When baby and dad are gone, the relief and freedom can quickly turn into anxiety about the babies well-being and loneliness without dad and baby nearby.
6. Unless it's to do very nice things for her. Generally speaking it's never a bad idea to sneak out to buy your wife food, jewelry, or do errands for her. But make sure that you're not using that to-do list and grocery run as an excuse to avoid helping with baby or spending time with mom.
7. Just being with mom helps, but there is a perfect correlation between the quality of quality time and the amount a new dad is willing to invest in actively and sincerely listening to her thoughts ideas and challenges.
8. Take the long view. Don't think about how many more months or years you will have small children. Instead think about how many more times. If you have a newborn and were thinking about having three kids spaced two years apart apart, I've got news for you. You're not going to be a parent to a baby for six more years, you're going to be a parent to a baby two more times. Six more years versus two more times. The same but so different.
9. Don't be afraid to be afraid. Do things with your kids that scare or embarrass you. For some that might mean spending an entire day with baby while mom is away. for others that might mean giving baby a bath. Unless your fear is a response to an actual threat or danger, likely it's simply an indicator of exactly what you should do. Because facing, rather than retreating from fearful situations will always produce one of two possible desirable outcomes. 1) You will find that either the fear was baseless or, if warranted, 2) You will find that fear diminished, replaced in part by a bit of courage that results from facing fears, regardless of the end result.